How or Why is it That We Exist?

For some reason or another I found myself really noticing the sun rising this morning and I don't know why but it just broke into a bunch of questions in my mind. I'm guessing it was because after two days of not getting enough sleep, I finally slept enough last night so I woke up full of energy. Maybe that's why I noticed the sun making my livingroom pink, I looked at it directly like three times and wondered how does the sun always know to come up and just the other night I noticed the moon and thought yep it's bright I guess it is supposed to be our night light.

I know this already but it's just wacky for me to think this, I mean because I know why or how the sun comes up and stuff. I just wonder why is it here or more like who put it there? Who or what made sure that everything was going to work together the way it does? And how the heck did they know how to do this?

Then of course I started thinking about the time that I realized how incredible we and this whole universe is. For the millionth time there popped that same old question in my head why are we here how did humans and animals and the earth come to be. Let's just say for old time sake it was God, I mean I always believed this when I was younger, and at times I still do because that's what I grew up believing in.

Until I asked myself okay where did God come from who made him? Of course my first thought was aliens maybe our God is really an alien because aliens are supposed to be really advanced with intelligence. I think it's worth pondering only because I know that drawings have been found from our ancient ancestors of something coming down from the sky and I also know that they also believed in a God who was up in the sky as well. So who's to say that the aliens weren't coming down to earth thousands of years ago.

Maybe the records that were kept back then were lost or weren't meant for future generations to see or just haven't been discovered yet. Then I think nah maybe Darwins theory is correct. I have a difficult time believing that we all evolved from animals or some microscopic organism and to think that we evolved from the monkey or the ape. Then why are they still here and who cares about that, if the first micro organism or cell or whatever you want to call it made every living thing.

Where the heck did it come from and how or why is it in existence? I mean really think about it, you have a white canvas and a Picasso painting isn't just going to appear out of no where. These thoughts just make you go bananas trying to figure out, and let's just say that someone does figure it out, how or where we came to be. Then I'm always left with why? Why are we here? What are we here for????... Totally insane...

Life is hard as hell

I wish, I really wish, I knew much earlier how extremely hard life really is. My whole life up until 3 or 4 years ago was always so great. My so called problems were always easily resolved. I was a happy, spontaneous and corky sort of person. I was in my mid 30's I guess I had no clue about life's real hardships. It basically all started when my 15 year old ran away, about 3 times in all. Came back pregnant and had to go through an abortion. At this times my younger kids were 9, 4 and 2 there was no way I would have been able to help raising a baby. All the stress seemed to snowball after that, every time I thought things were going great again something else would happen about a year after my husband has a stroke 3 in one year.

During this time my favorite pet rabbit dies. My daughter continues with her rebellious ways. She decides to become pregnant again gives birth to a sick baby who undergoes major surgery at only 2 days old. Three all together, she stays in the hospital for 4 months and once she's discharged she's in and out every month and now almost every other week she's admitted. Our good friend passes away and last Sunday I find out my 18 year old nephew gets hit and killed by a car. I don't know what exactly is going on but I don't believe in bad luck but that's what it feels like. Or what did I do to get so many problems all at once? Or is this what real adult life is like?

I finally let myself cry just yesterday after our bestfriends burial. I felt so much better I guess I really needed to just release the pain I was feeling but not just about our friend but about everything that's been happening. I felt so happy that I was able to fall asleep without any problems. Only to be awakened at 1am by my phone ringing, my grandbaby who's now just 8 months is once again admitted to the hospital. So there goes my stress again trying to take over.

I was thinking about all this it's just been horribly difficult to remain sane and in control through all this. I thought maybe schools should teach kids from a young age about the stress of life. We learn about everything except about life and the ups and downs and how to remain stress free. Now I realized why so many people snap and go crazy and do really crazy things and end up on the news and in jail. I always, always passed judgment without even knowing why people do these things. Now I feel that I understand if someone snaps it's obviously that they have lots of stress and problems in their life which they just can't figure out how to control. It's extremely easy to let yourself go and give in to all the crazy thoughts that flood your mind when you're completely stressed out.

I have to really be grateful for my little ones I really believe that I've stayed strong and tried my best to keep positive thoughts because of them. Of course my prayers and my trust in a higher power has helped me the most of all. If I couldn't pray and ask whatever force is out there for help with my thoughts and remaining in peace. I wouldn't be able to deal with anything. Believing that there is a higher being or powere who is in control of everything. Whom I can turn all my troubles to for a resolution somehow makes me feel relieved.

It gives me a positive outlook about everything. I am now a stronger person mentally but still extremely stressed. Although I am capable of controlling it a little better now and basically just taking it a day at a time, that's all I know how to do at least for now.

Be really civilized like a barbarian

You may think I'm so stupid for saying this, I'm a big fan of "Conan the Barbarian" you know the Arnold Schwarzenegger 80's flick. When his wife gets killed in the movie having his wives body burned was an honorable thing to him. I know what you're thinking hello? it's a movie and he was a barbarian, yes he was strong and conquering that's the way I see. Today in this world we live in you have to be a barbarian to deal with all of life's episodes. People who lose it and have to see shrinks these are the people we think are so civilized. I think who cares about being "so called" civilized if you fall to pieces when you need to be your strongest.

Why do I believe this? you ask, I believe in being strong minded in order to conquer all of life's tribulations, taking control of myself not just through my body but my mind as well. I didn't just wake up one day and decide this, nope I was living my little civilized life when in my late 30's my good life by good I mean peaceful with no drama. I guess you could say I started to learn what life really is all about. When my teen daughter ranaway with her boyfriend, of course I lost it, which isn't recommended when you have toddler children or just younger kids which need your care. We found her but she continued to try to prove to us that she was an adult and knew everything she needed to know about life, at 15 years old.

We were dealing with the stress as best we could but my husband had a stroke. I guess from all the stress because the doctors found nothing wrong so he's fine. At that moment in my life I wanted to lose it but I became strong for my kids. It was just me and my kids while my husband was in the hospital, cause my family lives out of state. So I dealt with not knowing what was going to happen, reassuring the kids that I knew everything was going to be fine, remaining sane and crying quietly. I found that somehow I was able to discard my negative thoughts and force myself to be calm. A few years later my daughter gave birth to a sick baby girl she had to undergo surgery at just 2 days old. I found myself wanting to lose it again only a lot worse this time. I learned that it's all about what you let yourself concentrate on. The moment I thought "Oh no! Things are going to go wrong, what am I going to do?" I felt myself losing it to the point where I had chest pains, felt light headed, felt like I was going to pass out.

I immediately thought the last thing the kids and my husband need is to worry about me as well, how can I help them feel positive and calm about this if I let myself lose it. So I began to think positive by telling myself stop it! Everything is going to be just fine and lots of praying. Putting my trust in God was almost like giving him my problems for him to fix so I wouldn't have to worry about them. I was able to concentrate on things going well the doctor saying she made it with no complications and you know what it worked. My granddaughter is fine we all made it through her next 2 surgeries. She spent her first 4 & 1/2 months of her life in the hospital, but she made it home just in time for the holidays just what I prayed for. So now do you see why I prefer to see myself like a barbarian.

Thinking about how things would have turned out had I let myself lose it, now that's scary. Talking and writing about it that's my therapy but it didn't cost me a dime. Some relatives thought it was unheard of or uncaring for us to go out to the beach or any where to enjoy ourselves and not cry every minute we spoke about our granddaughter having to go through so much. I didn't let it bother me because I knew that what I was doing was going to benefit my family and I. Besides it's not like they were going to be there to help us deal with it. I wasn't like this At first, it did bother me to have fun so on the day of her first surgery July 4th we stayed home bored and sad. Like we weren't allowed to have fun. It felt like we were mourning her but she wasn't gone. Now I wish we would have celebrated her surgery going well and taken the kids out to see the fireworks.

Now I realize that life really is what you make of it and I don't mean money wise. I mean in your mind, you see because life is full of surprises they're not always good ones. So if you teach yourself how to accept what's happening, and that going crazy and losing it really doesn't make anything better to deal with. Actually it makes everthing a lot worse for everyone. Then you'll realize that when difficult situations arise in your life you don't have to let it get you crazy and end up in a hospital or at a shrinks office. Everyone is capable of learning how to really deal with their problems in a more civilized way by seeing yourself as a barbarian strong and able to conquer anything that gets in your way.

Why have a funeral?

Who invented funerals and why??? Besides the obvious reason of making money from someone's tragic pain. Why would anyone ever want to see their loved one in a coffin and have that horrible last picture of them in their mind. That's the first picture I see when I remember my grandmother and afterwards I have to make myself see a happy one. I think someone just came up with a really good scheme on making a lot of money from people's deaths. Why does it have to be so expensive? Or was it just meant for rich people? Maybe, but even a rinky dink funeral is expensive. I haven't done any research on who invented them or how long it's been going on for but I know back in the old days people were buried ASAP. They didn't all sit around crying and looking at the corpse, or giving a speech. A prayer during the burial was enough.

I've told my husband when I die he better not dare make a funeral. If my organs are good I want them donated. I don't want my kids to see my body I want them to always remember me just how I always was. Cremate my body and scatter my ashes in the woods because I love trees. Rather then waste a bunch of money on a funeral, coffin, and burial. Plant some trees in my name, Go on a shopping spree at ToysRUs, take the kids to Disney World and make sure they have a great time.
Why? because rather than remembering the speech given at the funeral, I want them to remember how happy I was to see them having so much fun. I don't know about you but I really believe this is way more humane and way less tragic for anyone to cope with. I mean really think about it, it's so bad enough already knowing how much you'll miss this person and to go through a funeral and burial is horrific especially for a child. It's so scary to see a burial, I know from experience when I was 12 my baby nephew passed away and I hated so much the fact that he was being buried. I just kept thinking how can you just put him down there and just leave him there. The body is consumed slowly by maggots as it rots away. That sounds more barbaric than civilized at least to me.


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We learn to fear

My life is what I make of it. I must embrace everything that comes into it. Bad or good it’s all part of life the only thing that matters is our reactions to our lives situations, and how we choose to accept the everyday things that impact our lives and stay in our minds subconsciously. We can choose for it to have a positive impact or a negative impact. I believe that once we train ourselves on how to achieve this point in life only then are we really free.
Without any outside instigations or manipulations almost like the mind of a small child who has no knowledge of how one is to react to anything. Children often react according to their senses; they listen to their minds and follow what the body wants to do in accordance with their feelings. They don’t think about being judged by others or feel embarrassed by certain things. They don’t have fears because they have no knowledge of it. Therefore they live carefree they cry when they feel the need to, they laugh out loud when they feel like it they are always learning, always active, and so maybe this is why so many of us wonder, why do we change so much when we become older?
We aren’t so active, we only learn when we want to, which isn’t so often, we learn to fear so much and so many things, we’re not as happy or as carefree as when we are kids. We’ve learned the ways of our society we became afraid of being judged so we learn to suppress our feelings. We don’t laugh out loud whenever we choose to, it wouldn’t be appropriate for an adult. We learn to fear so much, even our thoughts.

Piece Of The Puzzle

I believe we are the generation of the holics everyone is addicted to something for example: shopaholic, all you can eat, bridezillas, super sweet sixteen, health nut, obese, anorexic, phobias, we have to do eveeerryything way over the top we don’t have any balance with anything. All because of criticism and gossip everyone is afraid of what other’s think. Attention deficit disorder??? Or is it just unfocusholic? Where did all these disorders and syndromes come from these things were unknown to me growing up.

I think these are all symptoms of what happens when you don’t listen to what your mind and body tell you to do instead we do what everyone else would do. We suppress our feelings our urges to play and act like a kid again because everyone will stare and look at you funny, who cares if you are, you're enjoying yourself with your child. For example as kids we love the playgrounds but how many of us take our kids to the playground and play with our kids run all around swing on the swings and enjoy ourselves like we used to.

We don’t, because we’re afraid of the criticism. I learned how much fun it still is, as an adult, to still play at the playground because of the Happy Harbor play place at Sea World. You get to go in there with your kids and have fun. I think it's really sad that kids 12 and over are usually not allowed to play at playgrounds, this includes McDonald's play place and lots of others. You can’t go inside at all, how cruel is that? At that age you’re still running around with your friends. They don't even have a place for them to play or do anything. So they expect 12 year olds to sit with their parents and read or something? They should make them their own play ground and parents too.

Imagine how much healthier everyone would be if it was like that. It's because of this that we change who we are from a happy super energized kid, into inactive, sad and depressed adults. We adapt to this by becoming some kind of holics just so we can deal with life on a daily basis. So we can fit in with everyone else like a piece in a sick puzzle.



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